where is the path to

     I feel like I can't breath now. Somehow it's like this has happened before, like I'm having deja vu, like there's nothing to do and no one to turn to. I've tried texting Alisun, but she was going on a mom-daughter bonding kind of date which consisted of getting ice cream and school supplies, and wish that could be, I wish that I would remember, that I could remember. Everything's in the back of my head, pressing against my spine, but I can't reach it and pull it out, it's shut up and covered and it hurts like it's on fire.
     I guess I should say what happened. School's going to start soon, and Alisun keeps asking where I'm going, if we'd have classes together, and I thought I remembered homeschooling before, but she asked me to ask my aunt if I could go to school, and I said I would.
     I haven't seen my aunt in a while. She's gone all day, all night. I think she might live with her boyfriend or something, but I don't talk to her. I'm pretty fine with it. She's not my mom or anything.
    The door to her room is always closed, though, and today I thought I heard noises from inside. I decided I was going to ask, and so I opened the door.
    There was a man in my aunt's room. He was the man from the library. The man with the sunglasses. And as I looked at him, it hit me like a bullet, that I was safe, so safe. He is my grandfather. He would take care of me.
    I ran away. Grabbed my laptop from my room and ran, like an idiot. He smiled at me from the window.
    I'm posting this from the library now, it's closing soon. He's not at his table. But he will be soon.
    I'm so fucking stupid. When I look at him, I feel safe. But when I saw him today, where did I see him? I felt like I could almost remember. And that thought was the most terrifying thing I could think of, the things I almost remember. Where did I see him? I can't read what I wrote. I can't remember.
    Welp, here I am. Having a breakdown in the library. I just need to get away, I need to go somewhere. I feel like this has happened before, a million times before. Like I'm falling down the rabbit hole, but it's a place I remember like my own bedroom.
    I wish I was going to Wonderland.
I should go.
I'm trying I really am I swear to God

This is how I disappear

Feels like so long since I've posted. I guess it was because I had so much stuff to do. I started posting because I didn't have anything else, but now Alisun's introduced me to all her friends and stuff and they're all really awesome, so I've been hanging out with them.
Besides, I wouldn't really have much to post besides "my girlfriend is awesome." When she was in a second grade she serenaded the girl she had a crush on with "Stacey's Mom."
My girlfriend: "Her name was Stacey and the song had the word love in, okay! Don't judge me!"
She is obviously the best ever.
I was really nervous the other day, because we had our first argument. I was terrified that she was going to, like, break up with me or something. It was about the guy at the library with the sunglasses, she thought he was creepy (and she always says that), and I finally got really mad and started yelling at her, and she yelled back, and I kicked over a chair and stuff. It was really stupid, but for some reason I feel really defensive about him. He seems like a nice guy and everyone thinks he's creepy. He doesn't creep me out. I feel like I've met him before. I actually feel really safe with him around, even though he's really skinny and never really looks up from his books.

Gravity don't mean too much to me

OH MY GOD I'M SO EXCITED SHE ASKED ME OUT LIKE OFFICIALLY.
I'm all shaky right nooow SHE GAVE ME HER NUMBER her name's actually spelled Alisun ISN'T THAT JUST THE CUTEST. Sorry for all the yelling I'm just so excited. I don't know where we're going or anything, I kind of feel like I should ask my aunt but I don't think she'd care. She's never home anyways, I haven't seen her in weeks. Sometimes I wonder if she's even really there or if she packed up and moved to California or something. Haha.
Also I miss the mom and the little kid at the library. She was really friendly and she talked to everyone, even the guy with the sunglasses upstairs (Alisun says he's creepy but for reason I kind of like him). She and her kid haven't show up for at least a week.
Anyways, it's toniight. WHAT DO I WEAR GEEZ. It's like the first date I've ever been on don't judge me I'm fourteen okay. It's not like I don't have "moves" or something. I totally have moves I mean I'm going out on a date tonight AHHHH.

Tell me I'm an angel

Writing this from the library. I like hanging out here, kind of because home seems so...not-safe? It feels like there could be things hiding behind the shower curtains and around the corner and stuff, the house is too big and empty. I feel like something bad’s happened in it, but I don’t know what.
The library’s really cool and cozy and the lights are all bright, and there’s always people around. Some of the nicer librarians know my name and say hi to me, and there’s always this mom and her little kid who come ever afternoon, and this guy with sunglasses who is always writing stuff and looking on books in the table tucked into one of the darker corners, upstairs in the Adult Nonfiction Section. Me and Alison always make fun of him for the whole sunglasses-inside-thing. Pretty sure he’s, like, a spy.
And of course, there’s Alison, (I think I've talked about her, the Killjoy who’s always hanging around there and she’s also written bandom fanfic and it’s awesome) and I just.
CAN’T.
EVEN.
DESCRIBE.
How awesome she is and cute and I just want to bang on my keyboard and squeal.
We’ve been hanging out at the library, I kind of want to ask her to get ice cream or something. Maybe coffee? I don’t know. Anyways she's trying to look over my shoulder so I'm posting this.

Suffocate this light

When the headaches get really bad, the thoughts running through my head and banging against the sides of my skull say, "go over the rainbow. Go over the rainbow."
It's actually not hard to do. Just focus on the burning feeling in the front part of my brain, and then I'm there. The smell is the first thing I notice, damp and rich. The walls are lined with books and the lights are soft and warm and yellow, and there's chairs in the corners with blankets and stuff. I can sit there reading books, but I never remember what I read. It's not a dream, it's almost like a place in my brain, but it feels kind of like a dream sometimes.
Finally I know it's safe to leave, and it's like I'm flying before I land back into my head. Sometimes it's still a little sore, but it's not that bad.

Hello, angel...tell me where we go from here

I'm okay, if anyone was wondering.
This is totally not the sentence I wanted to begin with. I have like fifty million drafts on word and on blogger and on pieces of paper lying around the house explaining everything and trying to get out all that happened and I could never finish them.
Stuff happened, I guess. And for the past...month? Two months? I don't exactly remember and I'm too lazy to go back and check the dates, but anyways. I've just been doing stuff. Houses are actually harder to run than I thought. I have to clean all this stuff and buy food and I made the mistake of buying, like, all candy at first and then I got really hungry and tried to go to the grocery store at two in the morning on a bike I found in the garage and I got really scared and came back home. It was kind of funny, actually, and I laughed, like, actually laughed, and it felt just weird. It didn't even feel particularly good. It just felt like something. And then I try to save money, so I turn down the AC and go to the library. There's a really nice one that's not too far away.
It's strange. Because once this blog kept me entertained and then it kept me sane and then it just reminded me of stuff I don't want to remember.
There's this really cute girl who's always hanging out at the library. She likes My Chemical Romance, too, we squeed about bandom and listened to music and stuff. I told her my parents were dead and I lived with my aunt and she had to work a lot. Sometimes it almost feels like it's true, but then at night I get the headaches again, but this time they aren't full of stuff that might happen, they're full of stuff that did happen, and facts and pictures and everything too much like trying to read through a textbook with no paragraphs separated while the TV's going and music's blaring and people are talking to you and pinging you on facebook, an information overload that makes me feel like my skull is going to split right open. It's the worst but at least I haven't been getting them during the day.
Anyways, I might start updating again and stuff. I kind of miss it, even though I don't like looking through my blog posts ever.

onwecarry onwecarry

I think I've been out for two days.
When I woke up my door was open.
I'm so fucking sick of this. It is my head. MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE. Between the fucking headaches and this new thing, I feel like someone's trying to pick it apart but NO ONE CAN BECAUSE IT BELONGS TO ME AND IT'S MINE MINE MINE GET OUT. I feel like it's her, that she's picking me apart like she picked my mom apart, like soon I might think she's my beautiful beautiful sister or something, that she'll lure me in like she lured my mom here and I don't think I can stop it. I don't think I can hold out. Maybe if I can just keep saying what's real here on this blog I can look at it over and over again and I will know what's real. She's not human she's a monster she's not the precious-est prettiest girl who ever lived she's a brainwasher and maybe a killer and
WELCOME TO THE BLACK PARADE